О своей болезни

Из книги: Beethoven, the Man and the Artist, As Revealed in His Own Words by Ludwig van Beethoven:1

216. "Compelled to be a philosopher as early as my 28th year;—it is not an easy matter,—more difficult for the artist than any other man."2

217. "Compelled to contemplate a lasting malady, born with an ardent and lively temperament, susceptible to the diversions of society, I was obliged at an early date to isolate myself and live a life of solitude."3

218. "It was impossible for me to say to others: speak louder; shout! for I am deaf. Ah! was it possible for me to proclaim a deficiency in that one sense which in my case ought to have been more perfect than in all others, which I had once possessed in greatest perfection, to a degree of perfection, indeed, which few of my profession have ever enjoyed?"4

219. "For me there can be no recreation in human society, refined conversation, mutual exchange of thoughts and feelings; only so far as necessity compels may I give myself to society,—I must live like an exile."5

220. "How great was the humiliation when one who stood beside me heard the distant sound of a shepherd's pipe, and I heard nothing; or heard the shepherd singing, and I heard nothing. Such experiences brought me to the verge of despair;—but little more and I should have put an end to my life. Art, art alone deterred me."6

221. "I may say that I live a wretched existence. For almost two years I have avoided all social gatherings because it is impossible for me to tell the people I am deaf. If my vocation were anything else it might be more endurable, but under the circumstances the condition is terrible; besides what would my enemies say,—they are not few in number! To give you an idea of this singular deafness let me tell you that in the theatre I must lean over close to the orchestra in order to understand the actor; if I am a little remote from them I do not hear the high tones of instruments and voices; it is remarkable that there are persons who have not observed it, but because I am generally absent-minded my conduct is ascribed to that."7

222. "My defective hearing appeared everywhere before me like a ghost; I fled from the presence of men, was obliged to appear to be a misanthrope although I am so little such."8

223. "Truly, a hard lot has befallen me! Yet I accept the decree of Fate, and continually pray to God to grant that as long as I must endure this death in life, I may be preserved from want."9

224. "Live alone in your art! Restricted though you be by your defective sense, this is still the only existence for you."10

225. "Dissatisfied with many things, more susceptible than any other person and tormented by my deafness, I often find only suffering in the association with others."11

226. "I have emptied a cup of bitter suffering and already won martyrdom in art through the kindness of art's disciples and my art associates."12

227. "Perfect the ear trumpets as far as possible, and then travel; this you owe to yourself, to mankind and to the Almighty! Only thus can you develop all that is still locked within you;—and a little court,—a little chapel,—writing the music and having it performed to the glory of the Almighty, the Eternal, the Infinite—-"13

228. "God help me. Thou seest me deserted by all mankind. I do not want to do wrong,—hear my prayer to be with my Karl in the future for which there seems to be no possibility now. O, harsh Fate, cruel destiny. No, my unhappy condition will never end. 'This I feel and recognize clearly: Life is not the greatest of blessings; but the greatest of evils is guilt.' (From Schiller's "Braut von Messina"). There is no salvation for you except to hasten away from here; only by this means can you lift yourself again to the heights of your art whereas you are here sinking to the commonplace,—and a symphony—and then away,—away,—meanwhile fund the salaries which can be done for years. Work during the summer preparatory to travel; only thus can you do the great work for your poor nephew; later travel through Italy, Sicily, with a few other artists."14

229. "You must not be a man like other men: not for yourself, only for others; for you there is no more happiness except in yourself, in your art.—O God, give me strength to overcome myself, nothing must hold me to this life."15

230. "Leave operas and all else alone, write only for your orphan, and then a cowl to close this unhappy life."16

231. "I have often cursed my existence; Plutarch taught me resignation. I shall, if possible, defy Fate, though there will be hours in my life when I shall be the most miserable of God's creatures. Resignation! What a wretched resort; yet it is the only one left me!"17

232. "Patience, they tell me, I must now choose for a guide. I have done so. It shall be my resolve, lastingly, I hope, to endure until it pleases the implacable Parca: to break the thread. There may be improvement,—perhaps not,—I am prepared."18

233. "Let all that is called life be offered to the sublime and become a sanctuary of art. Let me live, even through artificial means, so they can be found."19

234. "Ah! it seemed impossible for me to leave the world until I had produced all that I felt called upon to produce; and so I prolonged this wretched existence."20

235. "With joy shall I hasten forward to meet death; if he comes before I shall have had an opportunity to develop all my artistic capabilities, he will come too early in spite of my harsh fate, and I shall probably wish him to come at a later date. But even then I shall be content, for will he not release me from endless suffering? Come when you please, I shall meet you bravely."21

236. "Apollo and the muses will not yet permit me to be delivered over to the grim skeleton, for I owe them so much, and I must, on any departure for the Elysian Fields, leave behind me all that the spirit has inspired and commanded to be finished."22

237. "Had I not read somewhere that it is not pending man to part voluntarily from his life so long as there is a good deed which he can perform, I should long since have been no more, and by my own hand. O, how beautiful life is, but in my case it is poisoned."23

238. "I must abandon wholly the fond hope, which I brought hither, to be cured at least in a degree. As the fallen autumn leaves have withered, so are now my hopes blighted. I depart in almost the same condition in which I came; even the lofty courage which often animated me in the beautiful days of summer has disappeared."24

239. "All week long I had to suffer and endure like a saint. Away with this rabble! What a reproach to our civilization that we need what we despise and must always know it near!"25

240. "The best thing to do not to think of your malady is to keep occupied."26

241. "It is no comfort for men of the better sort to say to them that others also suffer; but, alas! comparisons must always be made, though they only teach that we all suffer, that is err, only in different ways."27

242. "The portraits of Handel, Bach, Gluck, Mozart and Haydn in my room,—they may help me to make claim on toleration."28

243. "God, who knows my innermost soul, and knows how sacredly I have fulfilled all the duties but upon me as man by humanity, God and nature will surely some day relieve me from these afflictions."29

244. "Friendship and similar sentiments bring only wounds to me. Well, so be it; for you, poor Beethoven, there is no outward happiness; you must create it within you,—only in the world of ideality shall you find friends."30

245. "You are living on a quiet sea, or already in the safe harbor; you do not feel the distress of a friend out in the raging storm,—or you must not feel it."31

246. "I must have a confidant at my side lest life become a burden."32

247. "Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men. At my age I need a certain uniformity and equableness of life; can such exist in our relationship?"33

248. "O Providence! vouchsafe me one day of pure joy! Long has the echo of perfect felicity been absent from my heart. When O, when, O Thou Divine One, shall I feel it again in nature's temple and man's? Never? Ah! that would be too hard!"34

  • 1. Компиляция высказываний Бетховена составлена Фридрихом Керстом (Friedrich Kerst), английский перевод осуществлен Генри Эдвардом Кребилем (Henry Edward Krehbiel) и опубликован в 1905 г. под названием “Beethoven: the Man and the Artist, as Revealed in his own Words” (New York: B.W. Huebsch.).
  • 2. October 6, 1802; the Heiligenstadt Will.
  • 3. From the same.
  • 4. From the same.
  • 5. From the same.
  • 6. From the same.
  • 7. Vienna, June 29, 1800, to Wegeler. "To you only do I confide this as a secret." Concerning his deafness see Appendix.
  • 8. November 16, 1801, or 1800, to Wegeler, in writing to him about his happy love. "Unfortunately, she is not of my station in life."
  • 9. March 14, 1827, to Moscheles, after Beethoven had undergone the fourth operation for dropsy and was confronting the fifth. He died on March 26, 1827.
  • 10. Diary, 1816.
  • 11. In 1815, to Brauchle, tutor in the house of Countess Erdody.
  • 12. In the summer of 1814, to Advocate Kauka. "Socrates and Jesus were my exemplars," he remarks in a conversation-book of 1819.
  • 13. Diary, 1815. Beethoven was hoping to receive an appointment as chapelmaster from his former pupil, Archduke Rudolph, Archbishop of Olmutz.
  • 14. Diary, spring of 1817. The salaries were the annuities paid him for several years by Archduke Rudolph, Prince Rinsky and Prince Lobkowitz. Seume's "Spaziergang nach Syrakus" was a favorite book of Beethoven's and inspired him in a desire to make a similar tour, but nothing came of it.
  • 15. Beginning of the Diary, 1812-18.
  • 16. Diary, 1816.
  • 17. Vienna, June 29, 1800, to Wegeler.
  • 18. From the Heiligenstadt Will.
  • 19. Diary, 1814, when Beethoven was being celebrated extraordinarily by the royalties and dignitaries gathered at the Congress of Vienna.
  • 20. From the Heiligenstadt Will.
  • 21. From the Heiligenstadt Will.
  • 22. September 17, 1824, to Schott, music publisher in Mayence.
  • 23. May 2, 1810, to his friend Wegeler, to whom he is lamenting over "the demon that has set up his habitat in my ears."
  • 24. From the Will. Beethoven had tried the cure at Heiligenstadt.
  • 25. In 1825, complaining of the misery caused by his domestics.
  • 26. Diary, 1812-18.
  • 27. In 1816, to Countess Erdody, on the death of her son.
  • 28. Diary, 1815-16.
  • 29. July 18, 1821, to Archduke Rudolph, from Unterubling.
  • 30. About 1808, to Baron von Gleichenstein, by whom he thought himself slighted.
  • 31. In 1811, to his friend Gleichenstein, when Beethoven was in love with the Baron's sister-in-law, Therese Malfatti.
  • 32. July 4, 1812, to Count Brunswick, whom he is urging to make a tour with him, probably to Teplitz.
  • 33. June 7, 1800 (?), to the "Immortal Beloved."
  • 34. Conclusion of the Heiligenstadt Will.